I read this online. Thought you all would appreciate a good laugh!?

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.


On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.


The accident occurred mainly because I acceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”


“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”


“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C'mon, it'll only take a second.”


So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.


It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.


Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.


Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.


At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What's the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known.

I read this online. Thought you all would appreciate a good laugh!?
Marmite, you either love it or you hate it


16 year old Stephen Barton, a pupil at one of England's leading fee paying schools, returned from school for his Christmas holidays in what appeared to be some measure of discomfort.





When quizzed by his mother, he said that he had received a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was sure that the passage of time would heal all ills.





Unfortunately this proved not to be the case and on his third day home he was unable to walk. His mother insisted he visit the family doctor, a demand to which the incapacitated Stephen succumbed.





On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his underwear to reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four times it's natural size and was bruised almost entirely black with a number of small puncture wounds to the right hand side showing clear signs of established infection.





The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a GP to properly treat such a "sporting" injury immediately called an ambulance to take his patient to hospital.





Stephen was rushed into hospital where he immediately underwent surgery to properly investigate and remedy the injury. The infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right testicle removed as the infection appeared to have spread into the gland.





To his surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified as "a large number of brown glass splinters" from the boy's scrotum and the highly infected (and now ex) testicle. It was the surgeon's opinion that these had been "introduced" to Stephen's nether regions at the time of the injury.





Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's mother asked what kind of assault he had been a victim of with the intention of taking serious issue with his not inexpensive school as to how such an accident could occur.





In an effort not to make a fuss Stephen admitted to the following episode:





At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights out, Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm that he could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized Marmite jar.





With drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money from his fellow students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the trick. However, such is the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen was not able to remove the pot after winning his money. Much to the enjoyment of the rest of the party-goers he crept off to the bathroom to try to remove the pot.





Having been unable to remove the pot for two days and in extreme discomfort, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty CDT room and with a hammer smashed the pot.





Yes that's right, he smashed a glass pot from around his testicles with a hammer!





Unsurprisingly, this was not a clinical operation and also where the damage was really done.





As they say... Marmite, you either love it or you hate it!
Reply:nqlol
Reply:That's hilarious. Thanks for sharing.
Reply:Good story.
Reply:Eeeeeeeeeeeep! Thanks. That was a good one.
Reply:OH LORD!!!! Very good!!!! find some more...that was cool!!!
Reply:I think its crappy!
Reply:LOL that has to hurt so bad, and be beyond embrassing.





I had an injury once on my head that I had to get sticthed and bandaged, and that was embrassing enough. Becareful with boomerangs, they really do come back.
Reply:a story that long can not be too funny. not worth my time. bozo
Reply:good one
Reply:A little long, but non the less very funny.
Reply:Nice story, but stupid ending :-(
Reply:Ahahahah! Is that a true story?
Reply:Your right, that was hilariouse.


If I were this guy boss I would tell him to take a week, for phycological healing....


I know how preciouse those jewls are to you boys.





Thanks for the laugh.
Reply:GREAT ONE!!!!
Reply:wow, i bet it hurt.
Reply:oh, i am at work now..and i cant stop laughing...that was the best joke ive read yet
Reply:WOW!
Reply:That was an excellent story and well told. Thank you.
Reply:lol one of the funniest ive heard on here



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